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My One Piece of New Dad Advice to Prince William, on the Birth of his Son

Wade Armstrong -

Hey, Prince William, I hear your new son was just born! Congratulations on knocking your brother one step further down the line of succession. I’m sure you’re feeling overwhelmed right now, and I wanted to give you the one piece of new dad advice that got me through the hardest times I had as a father (so far).

There will be many times you’ll find yourself overwhelmed in the next few months. You’ll be there by the changing table, or in the comfy chair, and the new heir to the throne will suddenly start doing… wait, what is that you’re doing? Oh no, who can help to handle this? What do I do?

Well, Wills, you’re going to be King soon, so you should start by handling this yourself. And, fortunately, I have the one piece of new dad advice that you’ll need to get through it all. It’s a simple mantra you can repeat over and over, at 3am when you’re up alone with the tyke/heir, or when you’re walking down the street with him in a pram1 and he’s fussing about, or anytime, really:

“None of the moms on MTV’s Teen Mom2 have killed their kids. There is no choice that I can make right now that is worse than the choices that the Teen Moms make every day. The Teen Moms have all had this exact moment, and their kids have all lived through it. Whatever choice I make now, everything will be fine.”

I must have repeated this mantra a thousand times in the last six months. Every time, this particular new dad technique has brought me serenity… or at least some small confidence that I won’t cause complete disaster. Which, hey, as a king, avoiding complete disaster is a big part of the job. Just ask your father and his near brush with eliminating the monarchy!


This is how your father made the country feel. With my advice, your effect on the new Cambridge will be superior!

I hope this paean to popular culture and elitism brings you the same happiness and tranquility it has given me. Any other times I can provide you with new dad advice, feel free to ask; us dads have to stick together, right?
  1. I think you call it ↩
  2. This all assumes you’re familiar with the MTV Teen Moms Around here, the under-18 moms from this show occupy the same gossip rags as you all Windsors do, so I figure it’s a good bet. What, you say you have taste in TV? Rowan Atkinson and David Brent and all that? Well then, you’re screwed. ↩